LIMBO

 I just realized I've only written on this blog once in the past 3 years!  The post I wrote 3 years ago, in April 2015, was about the sad side of expat life, all the goodbyes.  Since I wrote that, we have continued to say goodbye each year to more and more friends, and several of Keith's coworkers.  Our kids have said goodbye to numerous classmates and teachers as everyone moves on to their next destination.  The emotional roller coaster is exhausting, and I wonder how resilient I actually am.  We even thought we would be leaving a couple times in the past few years, and were somewhat prepared to do so, but here we still are, almost 7 years of living in Brunei, unbelievable.

Now we are in limbo, feeling stuck in the space between "here" and "there", but not knowing where "there" is yet.  All we know is that our Brunei visas expire at the end of June.  Keith's replacement at work arrived this week.  We really are going to leave.  No more extensions.   Life in the Brunei bubble is quickly coming to an end.  We just don't know where we're going from here.  This is an anxiety-inducing state of being that our fellow expat friends are also familiar with, as the contract comes to an end and the job search ensues (and has actually been going on for the past 6 months.)   Others know that we are on "rundown", and I've considered wearing a t-shirt that says "No News Yet" just to make it easier when people wonder where we're off to next, which is a conversation I've had multiple times on a daily basis for months now.

It's a difficult place to exist, this Limbo.  For me, things are pretty much out of my control.  I can give input as to where I'd prefer to go, but ultimately it comes down to where Keith will get a job, and nothing is guaranteed.  We can rule out certain places for various reasons, the top one being that we don't want to have to send the kids to boarding school.  Natalie is in her 3rd year of weekly boarding, and we are ready to have her back home with us.  She only has 3 years left of high school, and we don't want her boarding any longer.  So, that narrows down the job search a bit.  But now what?  Do we consider staying abroad and taking another expat assignment, or do we repatriate back to the USA and try to establish roots while we still have all the kids living at home with us?  If Keith stays with Shell and we repatriate, it likely means Houston or New Orleans.  Would we rather live somewhere else in the US?  Should Keith look outside of Shell?  If he ends up not getting a job, should he just take 6-12 months off while we regroup and figure things out?  These decisions weigh heavily on our hearts and minds.  Keith and I feel overwhelmed, and we are both indecisive, which doesn't help.  We go back and forth and round and round, and nothing seems straightforward, or as simple as our lives have been here in Brunei.  No matter what we do, I feel like we'll always wonder if it was the right thing.  And what's right for one person in our family may seem like the completely wrong thing for another person.  This is where faith comes in, and trusting that everything is working together for good, even though it's hard to see that while we're stuck here in limbo.  I am well aware that huge challenges of adjustment lie ahead for all of us, regardless of which way we jump, but I'm just ready to KNOW!  The not knowing is very difficult, but it's a lesson in patience and trust for sure.

At the same time, limbo has a brighter side.  As long as we are living in oblivion, I can put off the tasks of booking flights, looking for a neighborhood, a home, finding the right schools for our kids, sending transcripts, and all the other busy work that is going to hit once we know our next move.  My hands are tied, in a way, and I am forced to live in the present.  I am trying to soak in the parts of Brunei that I know I will miss...  teaching yoga at the club, relaxing at the pool, walking on the beach, watching the monkeys, hornbills, and monitor lizards around camp, and meeting up with friends, although as an introvert I have felt myself withdrawing more and more.  I know a bunch of goodbyes are coming, and I guess I'm in self-protection mode, trying to disconnect and insulate myself against the inevitable pain those goodbyes will bring.  Harton (nearly 14) asked me a few nights ago, "So... Are we going to go out with a bang or a fizzle?"  I told him that at this point, I am fine with a fizzle.  Let's just fizzle on out of here, and start the next phase of life, wherever that may be.   Living in Limbo will end soon, and then there will be another blog post, so stay tuned...

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