Elf on the Shelf, Scarier than Chucky

The Elf on the Shelf: You either love it or hate it.  Right?  There are plenty of blogs and articles out there for both camps.  This is just my personal take on the Elf since I've been seeing it multiple times daily on my Facebook newsfeed this month.  If you love it, you may not want to read any further.  You've been warned.  

We do not have an Elf on the Shelf in our home.  It is not, never has been, and never will be, for me or my kids.   I have successfully brainwashed my children into (rightly) believing that the Elf is creepy, evil, and basically the devil's spawn.  He wears a red suit, and I'm pretty sure it was modeled after a certain character in red.  One who carries a pitchfork rather than a bag of toys.  One who has no business being associated with the celebration of the birth of Jesus.  As The Church Lady would say: Who could it be??  Oh, I don't know...  SATAN?!?   

Well, isn't THAT special.

When my friends and acquaintances started using Elf on the Shelf with their kids, it creeped me out.  Not only because it takes the secular bit of Christmas too far for me, but because, I mean, just look at the thing!  How can you not be freaked out by that wide-eyed doll stare?  It's watching YOU!  But hey, if you want to tell your kids there is an unblinking, elfin Chucky spying on them for the whole month of December, then have at it.   I've seen your Facebook posts of the Elf perched in the Christmas tree, hiding in a coffee mug, or swimming in a bowl of marshmallows.  Kind of cute, if you can get past the possessed gaze and sociopathic smile of the little guy.

But the Elf and his antics seem to be getting more and more out of control each year.  While the Elf, to me, has always seemed like something straight out of a horror movie,  I am now actually seeing references to horror films in some of the Elf's latest displays on Facebook.  Come on people!  Spelling out "I'm Baaaack" with candies?   Ummm... can you say Poltergeist?  When I think of Poltergeist, I think of the clown in the child's room that was so scary the boy had to throw a coat over it.  Throw a coat over the Elf, I say!  And don't ever let him come baaaack!

Or what about the Elf who greets the children in the morning with a note saying "Heeeere's Johnny!"  Are you kidding me?  A deranged Jack Nicholson forever changed the meaning of those words when he spoke them in Stephen King's The Shining.  Do people even realize they are referencing horror films while trying to bring Christmas cheer to the kids?  Maybe not.  But it's all I can think about every time I see this type of Elfin post.  It gives me the shivers.

And what about the increasingly common, yet highly disturbing, scenes where the Elf is apparently taken hostage by other toys?  I've seen Elves tied up with rope, handcuffed, or strapped to walls, with their mouths duct-taped shut... Wait, this is sounding like 50 Shades of Christmas.  I mean, really?!?

Since the Elf envelope is getting pushed further and further, I think it's time to take my one and only Elf on the Shelf experience off the shelf, so to speak, and share it with you.

In 2012 I helped my sister stage this sweet little scene with her Elf on the Shelf.  I couldn't believe she bought into the Elf hype, but it afforded me the opportunity to direct the set-up that seemed most fitting in my warped mind.  (Thank you Angela for creating this gem, and bringing my nightmares to life!)  Don't worry, this was all cleaned up before the kids saw it, and I'm sure my sister hid the Elf under the bananas or something.  I have kept this photo under wraps for 2 years, thinking it may be too disturbing for the general public.  There's no denying the evil in his eyes.  But it seems that the time is right to reveal what the Elf is truly capable of...  

The Elf on the Shelf killed Santa.  And you're next.  He's baaack, and he's watching you!

(P.S.  If I happened to refer to one of your particular "Elf-scapades", consider yourself honored, I couldn't have gotten so creeped out without you.)